Very early in my childhood several things became apparent to me. The first was that secrets were the way that my family functioned and the second was that I had to protect myself because the world around me would not do so.
16I heard and my [whole inner self] trembled; my lips quivered at the sound. Rottenness enters into my bones and under me [down to my feet]; I tremble. I will wait quietly for the day of trouble and distress when there shall come up against [my] people him who is about to invade and oppress them.
17Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,
18Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!<sup class="xref" value="(E)” style=”font-size: 0.65em; line-height: 0.5em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; “>
19The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!
I had reread this blog a month ago and believed that the season of it had ended. I didn’t close it or delete it… I just visited it and reread my life encounters from a perspective of great distance. My faith in God has never wavered, but my encounters with his divinity have diminished. I still feel him, yet I kept finding myself asking for MORE… where are my moments between miracles?! My divine epiphanies and insights that I know only come from Him?
Romans 8: 24-27
There is little solace this evening, there has been this whisper of sadness that has been breathing on the edges of my heart. I have denying hearing it, been ignoring it, pretending that it couldn’t possibly be talking to me. Yet, in this moment I can no longer deny it’s message. I am lonely. Not to be confused with desperately lonely, not seeking to destroy my peace of mind for the sake of any relationship… but a part of me wouldn’t mind the companionship that a relationship offers.
There is a part of me that still instinctively starts to cower to censorship, to the critic that points the finger in accusation. The voice that says I am over-sharing, that tries to shame me into silence. It is difficult some days to remember that I am not in a position to be corralled and condemned into submission, where my voice is free and protected.
2 Chronicles 20:17
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Through this season of transition and transformation, I have found so many realizations of how I want the path of my life to go. I grew up fearful that I would become my mother, more specifically, that her weaknesses would consume me. Once I stepped into adulthood and claimed autonomy, I realized that magically transforming into my mother was not likely to happen and I was so overjoyed that I forgot to look after my own shortcomings.
It has been nearly a year since my last post, my life has become a liquid shifting place. Change and transformation have been my current path. Since I last posted, my marriage collapsed on itself. We were both to blame for how we got to the point of impasse, and then my ex-husband went too far and verbally attacked me. I tried to move past it, I tried to forgive it, I tried to set it down… and in the end it was too much. My safe harbor within the sanctity of marriage was shattered, and I was done.