There is a part of me that still instinctively starts to cower to censorship, to the critic that points the finger in accusation. The voice that says I am over-sharing, that tries to shame me into silence. It is difficult some days to remember that I am not in a position to be corralled and condemned into submission, where my voice is free and protected.
I have struggled recently with the rising anxiety of being confronted with the presence of pure anger and intimidation. I cowered, I forgot to breathe… I became that me again. Smaller me, yielding to intimidation and fear. I have not had to face that me in quite a while. I remember her… the me that turns the other cheek to the point of stupidity, the secret keeper, the co-dependent but I didn’t know she was still with me. There has been such a focus on forward momentum and reclamation and abundance of life in my life that I forgot that she was still with me.
I have a committee, a brain trust.. my posse of powerfully strong and insightful women that I bounce my stumblings off of. I depend on their bluntness and advice to help me gauge some of my reactions to things. I have this training wheel mentality, I need to relearn how to function in conflict. My sense of what is a safe and appropriate response has been skewed by years of dysfunction and secrecy. I still make my own decisions, but I am learning how to be less sensitive. Not everything in this world is my responsibility or my fault.
I have triumphs and successes that are continuing to overshadow the darkness. I get to make sweeping declarations of embracing myself as God has created me to be… vibrant and powerfully creative. I am not the diluted version of myself, seeking validation to complete me in a marriage that was failing. My prayers are not panic-laden desperate cries for transformation into the perfect wife… I get to lean in and just seek more abundance.
My mistakes are many and my life is as imperfect as any other. Unremarkable in all it’s wrinkles and shortcomings… but in my victories God is great. Flourishing in the freedom of abundance, I am becoming more of who God is calling me to be. Baby-steps and all… I am leaping across boundaries and mountains to the places I never thought I would be able to claim as my own. I am more liberated everyday. Each conflict that arises does not need to be met with fear or regret. I am stronger than I knew myself to be. AND for that God is victorious and I am His joy, my life is truly blessed.
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