I had reread this blog a month ago and believed that the season of it had ended. I didn’t close it or delete it… I just visited it and reread my life encounters from a perspective of great distance. My faith in God has never wavered, but my encounters with his divinity have diminished. I still feel him, yet I kept finding myself asking for MORE… where are my moments between miracles?! My divine epiphanies and insights that I know only come from Him?
Yet, I keep asking.. please God MORE… dreams, visions, encounters… Your will. Hello?
I believe, and I am busy with life, children, friends, self, whatever… I am living a half life in a bubble. I exist… I nurture my children, I play with my friends, yet when I am alone I am hiding from the world. I tuck myself away with distractions… yes, it is productive and frequently necessary, but it is becoming an excess. A self-created myth, my hermitage of the child-free weekends has become an excuse to remain isolated… insulated from interacting with people, risk free. Except, it has become too familiar. My weekends evaporate into nothingness, with nothing to show for 48 hours and then it is back to being mom. No spiritual quest, very little artistic growth, isolation pure and simple.
It helps me to forget that there is more to this life than me, that all that I want to be will never happen because I am too afraid to go out and fight for what I need. It is easier, this couch driven existence, I do not have to risk anything emotionally. However, there is His voice and it comes across the silence clearer than the fog in my heart… go, get up go… So I do. Sometimes it just takes a little whisper to get me to move, and it doesn’t have to be specific… I always listen to that voice.
I ended up on my way to pick up pizza for a friend, and zipped into the parking lot of a fabric store. I have NO spending money, I didn’t plan on going there… but I just knew I had to stop in. The whole time arguing with my inner voice… seriously? why am I stopping here? I don’t even want to think about the money I don’t have… sheesh, fine I am going in. So I go in… I wander. The whole store is ridiculous. I don’t sew, the limited “art supplies” they offer are ridiculous… WHY am I in this store??
I turn a corner and there she is. Marina… my dear sweet wonderful Marina. Unexpectedly led into her personal space… I knew this is WHY I was in the store, the only reason. Such a small thing to run into an old friend, but it was divine, at least for me. It has been awhile since I have felt prodded by God to “do” anything. I choose His path, His church and people… but choosing isn’t the same as feeling.
I know that we all have times where we just go through the motions and question the value of whether or not our struggles are in vain. I just say wait… wait it out and you will see His will revealed in the strands of time. We do not have the advantage of His farseeing vision, the completed tapestry will not be revealed to us all at once… just wait and believe. You will see it in time.
Romans 8: 24-27
24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. 26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.