It has been nearly a year since my last post, my life has become a liquid shifting place. Change and transformation have been my current path. Since I last posted, my marriage collapsed on itself. We were both to blame for how we got to the point of impasse, and then my ex-husband went too far and verbally attacked me. I tried to move past it, I tried to forgive it, I tried to set it down… and in the end it was too much. My safe harbor within the sanctity of marriage was shattered, and I was done.
My decision to divorce sent shock waves through my personal community of friends, family and church family. Everyone was shocked and some were horrified… in the end, I stood by my decisions and I lost many friends and my church home and those losses were heartbreaking to me.
I felt God’s continual presence with me as I moved into the new chapter of my life. Where I felt the church abandoned and forsook me, God never left me. As I vented to my small group of friends, God stood by me and offered His everlasting support. For every friend that walked away, He replaced them with stronger more life-giving relationships. For every judgement that was cast on me, He offered me compassion and solace. He has been my rock… through this wilderness, He is my guide and I do not walk alone.
There have been several things that I have learned about myself through this process. I learned that I am the only one who gets to live my life, and if it isn’t working for me, it doesn’t matter what other people expect me to do, at the end of the day I have to do what I feel is right. I have learned to love completely those around me, I am learning to go with the flow, I am learning to let go of things that I cannot change and I am reconnecting with my inner artist. And that includes, reclaiming the writing of this blog… which I have missed terribly.
I am a daughter of God… He has called me out of creation and I am His beloved. There is nothing that I can do to make Him love me less. He is the original artist… from His hands he drew the heavens into being. I am so blessed with my walk with Him and I am grateful for His discernment and wisdom in my life.
SO.. I begin my new life. As a mother, sister, daughter, cousin, pseudo-auntie, and a friend. My identity is in process as I learn who I am as a person who is no longer a wife. My path has changed from small and narrow to being so wide I cannot see the edges in any direction… it if full of life and potential, discovery and healing, forgiveness and acceptance and mercy. I am finding that the person I am is strong and reliable, creative, vibrant and powerful… I have found my voice once again. And I am glad to be me.