There is something amazing that happens to your spirit once you get out of the box… anytime you feel the walls closing in, your spirit begins to resist. Mine occasionally screams in warning, “This will make you LESS! RUN!!”
In the post-divorce apocalypse, there was a season of complete dryness. Everything that had been truth was stripped away to below the roots. What once was, was tossed asunder. I couldn’t find Jesus on my knees so I lay flat on the ground, broken and needy and lost. My soul calling out, oh how long must I weep Oh Lord before You hear my cries?
I didn’t know. I didn’t understand it. It was so raw and messy and frankly? More than a little bit unsanitary. Yet, so vital to the process of restoration. Everything had to be razed. It all had to go. Like Holy Fire, He burned through all of me leaving nothing but my faith in Him and the tiny flicker of hope that there would be something of that looked like life remaining at the end.
My integrity had been shaken, my reputation had been shattered, and my sanity had been questioned. Prophecies of doom had been declared over me and my children, curses were flung wildly and I struggled with doubts and wrestled to find truth in it all. I knew at my core, that change was required so I moved forward, one millimeter at a time.
Stumbling in the darkness and crying out for the Light eventually the smoke cleared and I found myself on a path of restoration. It was more than just a bandage over a seeping wound. Parts of me that had died along the way were given new life. My spirit had withered and died; it had become smaller, crawling into a box with ever shrinking walls. In a relationship with impossible standards, it adapted and retreated and became less.
Now… it is free. God restores all that was lost. He rebuilt my spirit and is growing it beyond anything I could have previously conceived. I am free to step out and serve. I can commit my life to seeking God, growing deeper, wiser, foolisher (not really a word, but I like it) and living, truly living, saturated in Him. My faith is uncensored… and the freedom of THAT, my friends, is the biggest most abundantest (also not a word) gift of them all.
Today, when I find those walls of conformity sneaking into my world… the box of becoming less, my spirit does NOT retreat. I will NOT be silenced. I will NOT be less than. I WILL NOT become smaller. My God does NOT call me to a small life. He calls me to a life of abundance. He calls ME to be more than my past. HE CALLS ME. ME. Broken, restored, colorful, bejeweled, radiant and growing. HE CALLS ME.
Where I am inadequate, He equips me. Where I am confused, He clarifies me. HE IS WITHIN ME and I WILL NOT FALL. I don’t have to have all the answers. Other than this one… He IS the answer.
Whatever storms come against you or before you, KNOW GOD… and you will know He is with you and for you. He works ALL things for good. He doesn’t give you second best… He gives you HIS best. ALWAYS. AMEN.
July 12, 2015 at 11:39 am
Beautifully and bravely stated! I love you dear one