I am anguished. It was a three step forward kind of day, and then a big shove backward. That old panic and pain was stirred up after watching a movie about a painful marriage. I am keeping my eyes fixed on God and His promises for me. I am not choosing to dwell in these past pains. So when I get triggered like this, it brings a fresh wash of grief for a marriage failed.
How long do I need to mourn this loss? I long for the day that I don’t immediately remember the pain of cruel words or the shameful knowledge of his secret addictions. Bound by covenant, sworn to be the secret keeper… it was the perfect trap.
My spirit grieves for my bruised heart. No longer is that my reality. Solid with my family, connected into a life-giving growing church family, eyes lifted to Him to provide all things. And then there is the pain. I must ask not WHY AGAIN, but what do I need to learn from this pain, God? This thorn still in my heart partly connected through my unforgiving heart.
I am capable of relying on God, and releasing my unforgiveness to His care. It is not a burden that I have to carry. And I do trust HIM with it. I just don’t know how to let go of that piece and anger and betrayal. Deep down there is a part of me that want to see him fall, see him shamed for all that he has done and gotten away with. And it is that primal part of my brain that tells me to hold on for my justice.
 Forgiveness is a choice. Every day I get up and say, “Today I choose to forgive.” But I am not committing to that fully. I am holding back. Really what I am saying is that I choose to forgive on MY terms. I will ‘truly’ forgive when I feel that justice has been served. Until then… I am not all in. In fact, I am barely in at all.

Which is really, well, stupid. In all these sweeping areas of my life I am completely giddy committed to follow Him. Step out, pray, speak, write, praise, exhort, uplift, host, encourage… done, done and done. No questions asked. Except for this one thing, this teeny tiny thing? It’s holding me back; Keeping me available to relive those feelings of grief, pain and anger over and over again. I choose. I choose unforgiveness. And it is hurting my heart.
It grieves my Father when I withhold things from Him, the things that He has not called me to carry. My daughter, what are you doing? How can I heal you of these wounds when you are continuously drinking from the well that is poison to your soul? STOP. Let me take these things from you. Believe that I am truly greater than your circumstance, greater than your grieving.
I have gone all in with God before, and for the most part I still am ALL IN. I refuse to be my own stumbling block. I will not continue to negotiate or withhold these parts of myself from Him. I do trust that He is mightier than any circumstance that I have walked through. So I choose, I CHOOSE to forgive to my enemy. I release my need to see justice served. And claim the promise that God will provide all that I need for this life.
AMEN.
1 Corinthians 10:13
13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 Peter 5:5-7
All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 
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