When I look at myself in the mirror, I have days when I barely recognize myself. Who is this woman that I see? Who am I to HIM? Physically, it is not that my features have changed. But when I look at myself, in my own eyes, I see a familiar stranger. Like, we have met before but I can’t quite place it. I am a changed person. My identity feels like a liquid, intangible, changing element.
Things I know about myself like my past, no longer feels set in stone. I know the gifts that He has blessed me with in my walk, things that He is calling me to use in His name, but the things of my past? My wounds, my scars, my sins, my shame, my LIFE, something is shifting in my heart, coming undone. I don’t feel like I have complete ownership over those things anymore.
The areas in my heart that He has healed, restored and released are transforming me. Who is this woman? I have always been the rebel, the strong one, the survivor. I protested against injustice, when things were askew I was unafraid to rock the boat to bring about balance. I have been the loud voice, the bull in the china shop… shoot first, ask questions later. I was the rule breaker, the non-conformist within my own family, the black sheep. Act first, think on it later.
Now however, I feel courageous because of Him, anticipating His right to rule and lead me to speak His heart. I have learned that submitting to Christ and waiting in obedience is not an act of weakness or of fear. These things are acts of freedom and of victory over ourselves. There is so much value to be gained in these acts, identity crisis notwithstanding. I am FREE. My actions are driven, led, and released to Him, Christ… first, last and always.
Who am I? It remains to be seen. What I do know is that I am transformed… or transforming before my very own eyes. The past year has revealed much to me. I have learned to wait and breathe, I don’t need to rush around and find God’s will. When I wait and am still… He speaks over the din of life. I lift you up in my prayers, may YOU be magnified in His Holy Name!!
Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.