It Wasn't Me

Life After Redemption


June 2008

Freaking Out (part two)

So, here’s the follow up. I stewed/processed the whole loving this chick for the last couple of days and I have found that it wasn’t a fleeting thing. I still have the warm fuzzy glowing God love following me around. In the interest of being authentic, honest and not putting off the uncomfortable. I decided to test it out and rip the whole band-aid off to see if the vulnerability would kill my rep, ‘cuz I gotta keep it real, but only if it looks good? Whatever.

I ripped it off, I called her… and after checking to make sure that she remembered that I am unlikely to say something just make someone’s ego bloat and am sometimes painfully frank, and then the band-aid was off! I told her, dude I have to tell you I love you, (just for record this a platonic, God sista love… don’t get the wrong idea here) and it’s definately a God thing and it’s freaking me out a LOT, but that’s it. After her first ooooookay, she got it. I don’t know what that means for our relationship in the future or exactly what the BIG MAN is up to. I do know HE is rearranging my furnature big time, beyond a spring cleaning, and I am excited to see what I look like in the new God place.

Lesson of the week: Keep it real, honest and vulnerable, it really won’t kill you. It will liberate you! Blessings… it wasn’t me.

What in the world?

It’s one of those days. WHAT exactly is God doing in my life? Oh, HE thinks he is such a comedian… ha ha. Ironic moments of surrender that’s how I could explain this weird love burst that I am having for someone that I have had a fractured relationship with.
Old news, but the most recent movement is that I called this chick, and truly where we were once friends we ARE NOT anymore, or at least we haven’t been for a long time. God, only He could get away with this I swear, compelled me to call her yesterday… we were on the phone for 45 minutes, ending the conversation on fabulous terms both agreeing to let God mend our still occasionally still stinging friendship.

So what happened today makes sense, in the whole God of the Universe kind of way. Today, I LOVE her, not in a casual kind of neighborly way, but a deep passionate sisterly, can’t wait to see her kind of love. I am sitting here marveling at the way that God must love her and delight in her and that HE is just pouring this out of His heart. That He would tag me with this in the face of our baby-step conversation yesterday, can only mean that I don’t know how to anticipate where He will move me next, but that I need to move where He is leading.

This love that He feels is for all of us and it is so humbling. With all of my shortcomings and self-inflicted obstacles, HE LOVES ME just as I am. It is beyond bearing, this love is so much more than I could express and it is positively overflowing. It must be the Holy Spirit because even when we were ‘friends’ I never felt this flow of love, just like. I am a little bit, well actually a lot, freaking out. He thinks HE is so funny, and He probably is, I am just freaking out right now!!

This is such a confirmation… it wasn’t me!

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